Wednesday, May 12, 2010


A list of stupid things I've learned NOT to do, over
the years of my adolescence. It will continue to grow, I'm sure.

  • Don't park on the end of an aisle in the parking lot right outside the last spot because universities give you tickets for that, even if you're following somebody else who did it first.
  • Don't put mashed bananas in your hair. Just because one deep conditioning recipe on the internet tells you to, it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
  • Even if you tell your family you're going to be downstairs watching a movie, tape a reminder to the door so that they don't forget and lock you down there overnight. On a school night, no less. Just in case, though, keep your phone handy so if it does happen, you can use the alarm to wake you up in the morning.
  • Don’t throw your iPod in the trash. DO secure your phone in a good, tight pocket when riding the Wicked at Lagoon, or any coaster for that matter, so it doesn’t fall OUT.
  • When you’re talking to a cute stranger guy about the concert you’re going to that Friday night and he says oh yeah they play X song, right? don’t say ‘mmm I don’t think so’ just because you’ve never heard the song, ESPECIALLY when it’s a band that you already know you’re not an expert on. You will end up sounding stupid and the person will go home and look it up and confirm that he was right and you were wrong and he will have concluded that you do not know your music! And that you don’t deserve to be going to the concert. And if he sees you again he won’t flirt with you cuz you’ve already proven you’re retarded.
  • Don’t wear converse when it’s pouring rain outside. They’re obviously not waterproof.
  • If you’re picking up seashells on the beach in Costa Rica to take home with you, leave the ones with slimy creatures inside. Or else boil them right when you get home and then they might come out easier than if you wait 5 months. Generally speaking, you should clean them ASAP anyway so they don’t stink up whatever container you’re keeping them in (hopefully not a cute make up bag that you like).
  • Never mow the lawn with a low-cut shirt because I guarantee grass WILL go down it and WILL get stuck. Also, don't wear loose shorts cuz it can fly up in there too. That may have been TMI but I don’t care. This is good advice to follow, if you’re a girl.
  • Last but not least, don't jump into the lake with your sunglasses on. They will fall off and sink.
  • Added 7/2/2010: Don't go outside for a long period of time and wear rolled up jeans without using sunscreen because you'll get the stupidest burn/tan line ever and you'll be kicking yourself for the rest of the summer. 
  • Added 7/31/2010: List of lessons learned kayaking here
  • Added 8/8/2010: This was learned earlier this summer. When microwaving popcorn in the microwave OVEN, do not elevate the bag on a plastic container or it will melt through and end up popping on the other side. Bag and container will be ruined.
  • Added 2/23/11: Seriously, never forget to zip up your pants. I'm in shock that I'm 19 and it can still happen. 
  • Added 3/7/11: Don't keep sitting at the same computer every class period after you know it won't access the internet site you need to follow along on, and you can't read the numbers on the board because they are too small. 
  • Added 4/11/11: When you're going shopping at the mall before you deposit a paycheck in the bank, be sure to actually put it in your wallet instead of the back pocket of those tight skinny jeans where it can easily creep its way out and onto the floor without your noticing. Because otherwise you'll get an unhappy call from your mom who got a call from the dress store looking for you who found your name in the phone book because they're so nice and forgiving. 

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