Monday, July 18, 2011

The End ... ?

Well! It's my first time blogging since the new blogspot interface was implemented. It's very different since they changed it, for those of you who don't know what it's like on the other side of this publication process, and it may or may not have been a factor in my absence for the last few weeks. I honestly don't know.

This is somewhat of a scary time for me because I'm not sure if I will be blogging again after this. Lots of things have been going on in my head regarding the purpose of my blog and how it's not the same as it used to be, as well as my stage in life at the current moment. A fellow blogger friend and I have been briefly discussing our similar periods of writer's block. Her theory is that she's in a transitional chapter of her life right now, whereas it may be, for me, that the last 14 months or so that I've kept this public internet journal made up a chapter of my life by itself, and it's time to move on from that.

You might not understand why I've put so much effort into figuring out what went wrong and caused me to lose the desire to write, but for ways that take a long time to explain, this blog has been very important to me as a young adult, especially throughout the 19th year of my life. Perhaps, because of the timing, it has something to do with the fact that I'm in a new-ish relationship right now - maybe if I didn't have someone to talk to about life, I'd still be going on about insignificant nothings in my usual less-than-poetic form. Writing to explore a viewpoint or critique a product was always fun; however, for those diary-like purposes of the blog, it has come to my attention that my interest in recording the details of fun experiences like I used to has suddenly waned tremendously. I no longer go about my days thinking of what cleverly devised descriptions I will use when I write about them later. Unless this is a phase, I may be undergoing some developmental changes and realizations about myself that are making me into the woman I ... am ... becoming ...

Just then my train of thought ended up in a neverending circle. Anyway. To explain a little better: Reflecting upon my last two years of college, I realize that they were both filled with growth and learning about myself. However, I feel that for the majority of the time that I was riding high with this project of mine, it was because my mindset was all about doing things and making memories. That would explain all the lists of things I wanted to do, and things that I was proud I had done. Now for some reason I don't care about the records as much, and while I'm sad about not sharing the memories of this summer, I don't want it to seem like nothing extraordinary has happened. In my heart, I know the joy I felt for life when I could express it through words was always there, even during the times I couldn't (and still can't) bring myself to write about it. A lot of spiritual things have been happening inside me this year, which may also contribute - as I've always said, this anthology is not for the deep. Intellectually, sometimes it was, but where my soul is concerned, that stuff stays inside.

So if this year of blogging is coming to an end because I'm drawing closer to my Savior in ways that provide richer satisfaction than a well-written post, then I will gladly accept that the time is up. There is still a part of me that believes the small ounce of creativity I have that kept me going this long will stay with me forever, and after some time I won't be able to stay away. Not that I'm trying! Afterall, if I'm going to stick with this accounting degree (and lifestyle?), I may HAVE to have an outlet for creative expression after dealing with numbers and data 24/7. Plus, being able to get these thoughts down somewhat cohesively just now reminded me of how rewarding it is when I actually CAN do it.

Apologies for the vagueness, but this may or may not be Goodbye. For the sake of consistency, it would be difficult to come back here after letting so much time go by without posting a darn useful thing. So we'll see what the future holds. There is a sadness in my heart for what I'm not sure is exactly happening right now, but I have hope for the future. God bless you all, and perhaps I'll see you on another screen sometime.

1 comment:

Jen S. said...

Just a thought - why not keep the blog to serve as a "what I'm up to" even if the writing is short? Or do it just when you feel like it? You could always link it to FB so it posts whatever your latest update is too.

Anyway, no pushing, just an idea.