Temporarily Running Away from Home

I am coming to you live from the McDonalds in Evanston, Wyoming, close to 12:00 AM on a Wednesday night. Something that is now nonimportant happened at home today that basically made me fly off the handle and I just couldn't be there anymore, so I grabbed my purse and laptop and started driving. I won't talk about what caused me to commit such a random act because it doesn't even matter. It's just one of those things I guess that the emotions were just right for that time and I really needed to just get away and drive. Driving is so calming, especially after leaving the house in a fit of upsettedness, which was more frustration than rage or anger. Maybe a mix of the two. And yeah, I do know upsettedness is not a word but I don't think a word exists that carries the meaning I was going for.

Anyway, here I ended up after a bit of driving to another state while blasting my favorite metal band and singing/screaming along with so much force that I lost the notes and hurt my lungs. I wish I could begin to document all the thought processes that went through my mind on the way. Most of it was planning what I would do when I ended up at my destination, wherever that was going to be. I briefly considered driving all night to Colorado and finding my relatives there, because I was in such a rebellious, determined mindset to go as far as I could away from home. It's not even anything personal with my family, it's just what I needed to do at the time. Similar to the urges I couldn't explain back in high school (and sometimes now) that drove me all over town many days after class, when I explained it by saying that I was searching for myself. Well now I'm not really searching for myself, I really did just need to get away.

So obviously the CO idea was ruled out fast for logical reasons, but other things were running through my mind, too. At one point I was about 90% sure I was going to get a hotel room and spend the night, purchasing a set of cheap clothes and a toothbrush/paste from the Wal Mart in town. After that passed, I knew I wanted to get on my laptop somewhere, and I had Starbucks in mind for a while for possible free wi-fi, but then I remembered it doesn't stay open as late as I normally like. So McDonalds it was. I got cozy in the back seat of my car, clutching pocket knife, flashlight, and cell phone to my chest, appreciating the relative silence that actually turned into a lulling mix of the many revved engines and heavy breaks of semi's and Harley Davidsons. (I forgot that I had parked right by one of the busiest intersections, and right across from probably THEE busiest gas station. Plus, I'm at McDonald's. Where else do teens hang out at night in the summer?) Needless to say I fell asleep pretty fast. Woke up, spent a good amount of time staring at the ceiling of my car and thinking about everything that's anything, and now I'm sitting in a comfy booth in this 'upscale' fast food chain restaurant.

Annnnd that's as far as I've gotten with this story. I don't think I'll spend the night, but if I did I'd probably sleep in my car. It was easy to go unnoticed in the backseat, and I was not uncomfortable with the blanket I used as a pillow that was in the back had been there from previous summer outings. I instinctively felt that I was going to be fine for the time being. Of course, that didn't prevent the strangest scenarios of being kidnapped and possibly raped during the night from entering my mind for a few minutes, but I attribute that to my overactive imagination. With all that happens in the world these days, it's not the first time I've thought about such things occurring to me. You've got to be prepared, you know? I'm mad that I don't know where my pepper spray is, but there are some sharp tools on my pocket knife that I was willing to use if needed. BUT all that is just speculation and I'm definitely not in any position where I have to defend myself. It's pretty tame, here. I'll probably just hang out inside for a bit more and head home when I feel like it.

I don't know exactly why I'm writing about this. So far I've learned that I'm very thankful for these immediate things: my own car, a full tank of gas, money in my wallet, and an OK head on my shoulders. Or at least I believe it is. While thinking about this whole thing, I reminded myself of the Dr. Seuss quote I always saw in my school counselor's office, which just kind of sums up my night: "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose." And this will conclude my post for the evening.